The Third Chemo...and The Harsh Truth...

"Tuesday September 7, 2021: Here for my second to last chemo. It’s a weird mind game going somewhere to get tortured. It sucks. This is how it has happened so far: Day 1 (Monday)- tired Day 2 (Tuesday)- tired and start to fade Day 3 (Wednesday)- gone Day 4 (Thursday)- gone Day 5 (Friday)- start to come back slowly Day 6 (Saturday)- coming back but like a bad hangover Day 7 (Sunday)- back like nothing ever happened.

Saturday September 11, 2021: This experience was a little different than the last. Not as severe but similar in torture. The last two days all I have wanted was to sleep but that barely comes in 3 hr increments with tossing and turning :/ this too shall pass…

Thursday September 16, 2021: The third chemo was very interesting as I came “out of it” faster but felt worse longer. I’m not looking forward to the next one. I am because it’s the last but I’m not because I lose a week of my life and I’m being tortured for a week. It’ll be over soon though, not soon enough. Also. I am completely bald. Rachel BIC’d my head yesterday because what was left of the buzz was so patchy and cancer looking and gross haha. One thing that has bothered me so much is that people truly don’t get it at all. They are like did you have a nice trip with Laurel or Rachel or a nice time off work. None of this time or these visits are fun. They are all torture. It’s not like I’m out having a fun time doing stuff. I’m trapped at home being tortured. Also, people think oh it’s chemo one day thing for a few hours. No the Friday before I have to do a port draw and get blood drawn, Monday is the chemo, Tuesdays I go back to get a white blood cell injection and then when I “come back” and feel okay, I still have stomach issues, eating issues, constant fatigue, food/drink doesn’t taste the same…

Saturday September 18, 2021: I realized that I need to be very careful because this entire situation has almost developed an eating disorder and I definitely don’t want that to happen. I start feeling gross because my body is hungry but when I think of food, I get nauseous and also sometimes I’m just not interested in eating, but my stomach is telling me I need to. I’m trying to find options that are quick that I can just take a few bites of to please my body while also not forcing myself to eat when I truly don’t want to. Also, eating is kind of scary now because anything and everything upsets my body and acid reflux. It’s like I’m stuck, my body wants food but when I eat, I get sick. I just can’t wait for this all to be a memory. :/ at the same time, I am such a foodie and I want to just enjoy food again. Food is one of my favorite parts of life. It connects you in so many ways to different cultures and allows you to be so creative. Things that have changed for me since chemo: ⁃ Hair loss (I’m bald) ⁃ When I still had hair it would get oily and gross extremely fast ⁃ Taste buds ruined ⁃ Acid reflux on 1000 ⁃ Always tired ⁃ Get worn out easily ⁃ Lack of appetite ⁃ No solid restful sleep ⁃ More reclusive (mostly because I’m tired, don’t have extra money to spend, and have no one to really go out with)

Thursday September 23, 2021: I was on the phone with Sarah and said this proud sentence: “The commitment to uncertainty is scary.”"