The First Chemo...

"Monday July 26, 2021: The day is here. My first Chemo session. It’s 8:45am, I am sitting in the waiting room all checked in. A little nervous, I can feel my stomach getting upset. I’ll be okay. I’m as ready as I’ll ever be. I’m all hooked up now. It didn’t hurt bad. Just a little sting like a normal IV. 9:10am- They are starting with a strong long lasting nausea medicine they say should last a couple of days and a steroid they said might make it hard for me to sleep tonight. They said I can take Benadryl or something if I need help falling asleep. They also said my pee may be red for a day or so and that will be normal. First is nausea medicine. Now I’m getting the steroid. I’m all done. Left at 11:43am.

Tuesday July 27, 2021: I went for the first white blood cell injection. It was just a quick shot behind my left arm. I feel pretty good. I mostly just sleep but I don’t feel awful or anything. I think I’m just extremely lucky.

Saturday July 31, 2021: I haven’t written in a few days. The first 4 days after chemo I was a zombie. I couldn’t do much of anything. Sitting up itself was a hard task. I didn’t walk the dogs once, my mom did that. I could barely shower without getting dizzy. I could barely even eat. On Tuesday it took me an hour to eat a banana. It was awful. My mom is now trying to move here to take care of me, but I really don’t want her to. I know I need help and will need help but that isn’t going to help me. I understand her intentions are good and to take care of me, but she is just rushing and jumping the gun on everything because she is in a panic and crisis mode. She even wanted my cousin to tattoo a breast cancer ribbon on her with my name in it. Again, intentions are pure but it’s so irrational. I’m begging her not to move here. I told her the money she could use to move she needs to save and come visit for a week or so again when/if I need her. If she really needed to help that money could even help with medical bills. I really hope she listens to me. I moved across the country for a reason. I wanted my own life. My mom and cousin got me to take one hit of pot the other night and I was able to eat and laugh and feel a little normal. That was a stark contrast from how I have been. I just don’t like not having full control of myself or relying on something to help get me through this. At the same time, with all the poison they are putting in me, at least this would help me eat and feel a little human rather than zombie. One day at a time. That’s all I can do. This has all taught me so much though. I’ll never take sitting up for granted, a shower for granted, walking the dogs for granted. So many little things we never think twice about but really make a difference. The aches are awful. When you are trying to just relax or sleep and can’t stop moving your legs because they just ache. It’s the worst. The aching doesn’t stop either.

Wednesday August 11, 2021: Shaved my head today. Yesterday and today my hair was just coming out in clumps, and I had to do it. Did not really want to but it was time. I did it myself and laughed uncontrollably but also felt powerful. My cousin helped clean it up for me. It feels much better than seeing my hair falling out.

Thursday August 12, 2021: 7:34am I got the call from Aunty Hope that grandma only has a few hours left. I got up from bed and rushed to the hospital. 10-15 mins before I got up to her room she passed. :( I tried to get there before she passed. I still went up and sat with her. I wish I had more time :("

COMMENTARY: I want to clarify and note that I cherish my mom and her intentions. I can't begin to imagine how she felt as a mother knowing her daughter was fighting cancer across the country from her.

My grandmother was diagnosed with Pancreatic Cancer the day I went in for my scans (ultrasound and mammogram). I did not tell her or my grandfather that I had cancer until I knew that I was starting Chemo and would not be able to attend my uncle's wedding. It was at that time my Grandma became more open with me about her battle and we were able to relate to one another like no one else could relate to us. Losing her was insanely hard. Knowing I had cancer but would survive and she would not was an awful feeling. I miss her so much :(