Meeting my Niece and some Self Realization...

"February 4, 2022: It’s been a while since I wrote. I will be honest I’ve been struggling with my mental health quite a bit recently. Work has been pretty awful and I started self harming (I was biting my hand and didn’t even realize it and I had also punched myself a few times). The second I saw the marks on my hand it freaked me out and I stopped. I’ve started coloring and doing things to distract myself and distress so I don’t do that ever again. It’s been helping. I think it’s all just too much at once. My car not working in the cold, work being hell, my doctor trying to say I’m fine to be in the office when I haven’t even had blood work done to test my tumor markers or immune system, my phone acting up. It was just a lot at one time. I’m trying though. Trying to not stress and to remain calm. I’m currently sitting in the car at the airport. Today is the day!!! I get to see my sister and meet my niece and Tim!! I am so excited. I cried a lot on the drive to the airport and even as I type this. I have never loved a human as much as I love Faith and I finally get to meet her!!! This is one of the greatest days of my entire life. And man I can’t wait to hug my sister. The last year has been the most insane ride of my life. I’m happy to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Only thing really left now is my energy; I just can’t wait to get it back! My mind and emotions are just all over the place right now. Man am I more excited than I have ever been. I can’t believe this is real. In 4 hrs I am going to be holding my niece!!!!!!!!!!

February 7, 2022: Here I am again, sitting in the airport. This time to go back home. This weekend passed faster than anything. I was in heaven the entire weekend. My niece is by far the cutest baby in this universe. I never wanted to leave, I wish I never had to. Seeing my sister as a mom is just so incredible! She is an amazing mom! She also showed me some of our old home videos and it was amazing to see and hear my dad and grandmas voice again. I miss them so much. I really just don’t even have words for how amazing this weekend was. My sister even surprised me this morning with horseback riding. I needed that more than I ever knew!

Reflecting on life now compared to before and during treatment: I have to say as twisted as it sounds I am so thankful for my cancer because it has changed my life so drastically. I now have a healthy relationship with food, I eat many more foods than I did (I don’t really customize my food anymore, even got tomato and raw onion on my burger), it allowed me to lose 45 lbs and be proud of how I look now (for the first time ever in the airport I bought a Florida sweatshirt in a large!), I try so much harder to just enjoy life and not put up with bs, I am really listening to my body for the first time and putting myself first, I found beauty in being bald and not needing my long hair to feel beautiful anymore, and I just have such a clearer sense of self now. It’s pretty amazing. Do I wish I could have done all of that without the insane and awful battle? Absolutely. But I didn’t and I had to go through that battle to get where I am now and I’m grateful I have this outlook and drastic change.

Monday March 21, 2022: I’m getting my blood drawn right now and I’m in the room I had my chemo and it’s full of people getting chemo and my chest got all tight. I got a little anxiety for a minute. It’s definitely a weird feeling. I feel awful for the people going through what I just went through. I’m just seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, I wish they could all see it too. I feel like I’m going to cry. I hate this. I cried a little. I not only feel for these people and wish they could see the light at the end of the tunnel that I finally see, I also just have anxiety being back here again. "